Putting an end to writer's block

I've avoided this blog for awhile, trying to grasp all of my thoughts into a coherent string.  I've had a bit of writer's block while I've figured out my life.  I'm writing this hoping to end that block.

I would like to think that I've grown.  That I've changed.  That I've become a better and a different person.  That I would no longer allow myself to be in any kind of relationship that doesn't make me a better person and that doesn't allow me to grow.  I'd like to think that I am more independent, more confident and better able to make decisions for myself that allow me to grow further.   I'd like to think that I'm figuring out who I am, what I want out to life and how to achieve those goals.  I'd like to think that I'm happy.

I don't know if that is the case.  Maybe I'm just faking it.  But maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to figure life out.  And maybe I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

After 3+ years of being in a serious relationship and having that end in shambles, I have to have learned SOMETHING, right?  So what have I learned?  I think that I've learned that everything happens for a reason.  Every person is put into your life at a certain time for a certain purpose.  It doesn't mean that we always know why that is right away, but we figure it out eventually.

I've never been an overly emotional person.  I tend to compartmentalize.  I put on a brave face even if I'm not feeling so brave.  I think in the past this has made me unable to deal with difficult situations.  I can't always put into words the way that I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.  So I decided to be emotional, be dramatic, be a mess.  To stop trying to hold it all together and to just let it all out.  I spent time being angry, I spent time being sad, I spent time crying and mourning my relationship.  I know, that sounds weird.  Mourning a relationship?  But I think it's something I needed to do.  I needed to be sad about what I was leaving behind, be upset about the things I was going to miss out on, the places the relationship could have gone and I had to deal with all of the unanswered questions.  It's just like anything else you lose in life.  But at the end of that mourning period, where do you go next?

I made lists.  Lots of lists.  Things I want to learn how to do.  Things I want to learn how to cook.  Things I need to do to get back into school.  People I feel I've neglected the past few years that I want to reconnect with.  Ways to better the relationships that I have now.  Things that used to make me happy.  It was a way to try to feel in control of my life, to feel like I was organizing the mess my life had become.  I had no idea how therapeutic that could be.  It was like seeing where my life had been, where it is now and where it could go, all down on paper for me.  I was creating a road map of my life that allowed me to go anywhere and do anything I wanted.

I decided to be honest.  Brutally honest.  I was tired of feeling like I wasn't able to be myself.  I was tired of feeling like I was biting my tongue when I was really dying to say something.  I was tired of worrying if I was going to be judged for what I had to say or for what I was thinking.  I decided that those who weren't willing to allow me to be myself weren't worth the time I was spending on them.

I decided to rely on my family.  I tend to tell myself that they don't get me, they don't understand me or where I've been and why my life is where it is.  I'm happy to say I was completely wrong.  I had the most honest conversation I think I've ever had with my mom about my life, my past and my future.  Parents tend to have amazing insight and understanding into your life when you're willing to hear it.  And I needed to hear it.  My mom tells me I should listen to her more often, and I mostly roll my eyes, but she's right.  You'd think being an adult, I would have learned that lesson sooner, but I guess I've been too stubborn.

Lastly, I decided to have fun.  I decided to do whatever I wanted to.  I spent time nurturing friendships I otherwise would have left the way they were.  I made friends I never thought I would have.  I learned it was okay to rely on friendships again.  To be open and honest with someone again.  To have someone be there for you when you aren't perfect and who won't judge you for that.  To have someone to talk to when you need it and who smiles and laughs with you when life is good.  To have someone to go to for advice and have them genuinely care enough to tell you what you may not want to hear.

I've learned a lot from this experience.  I've learned that sometimes, it takes time to recognize the mistakes you've made in life.  I've learned that everyone doesn't see everything the same way.  Everyone has their own truth.  Everyone perceives that truth differently.  The experiences you share with someone won't always have the same meaning as they do to someone else.  It's just part of life.   But you have to learn and grow from the experiences that you have.  You have to be willing to move on and grow up.

One day, in tears, I texted my "big brother."  He went through a pretty rough divorce awhile ago, but made it through, found an amazing girl and they're ridiculously perfect for each other.  I asked him how he made it through.  He gave me a long winded answer, but the most important part for me was this: "I won't lie to you, it's tough.  But first, you have to decide that you are going to be ok."  It's a decision to be happy.  It's a decision you make whether or not you will get through the tough parts in life.  He told me exactly what I needed to hear to make that decision.

I don't know where my life is going to go.  I don't know what my future holds.  I don't even know if I'll ever be completely happy.  I'm working on it.  Life is hard sometimes.  It tends to kick you when you're down and make you feel like it's never going to get better.  It can make you doubt yourself and question your ability to handle rough situations.  But life also offers you incredible experiences.  Chances to be someone or do something that you never thought possible.  It's been a rough few months and I have a lot of battle scars.  But at least I learned an important lesson: I know I'm going to be ok, whatever comes my way.